Tag Archives: Glee

i will throw my roses into the abyss – a post about Cory Montieth

…throw roses into the abyss and say: ‘here is my thanks to the monster who didn’t succeed in swallowing me alive’. – Friedrich Nietzsche 

I’ve thought a lot about that quote in this past week. If you didn’t know the actor Cory Montieth, who played Fin on the popular television show Glee, died last Saturday due to a mixture of Heroin and alcohol. It wasn’t a purposely overdose but an unintended one. Perhaps what makes this even more sad is that the young actor (he was 31) was actively trying to recover and had recently gone to drug rehab.

The story has hit me harder than what it ought to maybe. I can see myself in him. No, I have never struggled with drugs or alcohol abuse but I have danced with my own demons of addictions in the shape of self-injury and my eating disorder. Those too are very real addictions. There is a ‘high’ that comes from starving , overexercising or harming your body in someway. When I began using symptoms much like a drug user I thought I could stop at anytime but I remember that frantic realization when I realized that there was no way I could stop starving. But I’m one of the lucky ones.

Now looking back from the side of recovery I can see how close I came to dying. One more day before I entered treatment. Another fifteen minutes on that exercise bike or a cut a little deeper and I too would be lying somewhere too and my parents would be burying me like Cory Montieth’s parents buried him.

It saddens me when people scoff at drug addicts or alcoholics. I understand these sufferers more than anyone might realize. Yes perhaps my addiction was slightly more “socially acceptable” and in the case of the eating disorder even at times envied and revered (yes, but that’s another post) but in the end it’s all the same. An addiction is an addiction. It eats you alive from the inside out. And if you are lucky you escape relatively unharmed physically (like me) but if you are not you either end up dying or existing in some strange netherworld that is filled with drugs and disease but never life.

I can guess that Cory Montieth never expected that last time using to be his last. Neither did the girls I know who purged one more time or simply went to sleep never to wake up again. But sadly addiction and disease doesn’t discriminate from those who want to get better. In the end it seems to be a combination of luck, timing and fate. And this time in the case of Cory Montieth it seems like something just ran out. I have questions for God (don’t we all?) and this is one of mine: why am I spared when so many others aren’t? Why am I living when others who had so much life, so much promise and wanted so desperately to get better but just quite hadn’t gotten there yet dead? Why did  A., K., N., Cory Montieth and some many more run out of time?

I don’t have the answers to those questions and I don’t think I ever will on this earth. Cory Montieth said on Inside The Actor’s Studio that he wished to hear God say this:

 Uh, sorry I haven’t been around. There’s a good explanation.

I’d like some explanations too but more importantly I simply wish to hear God say that the pain, the sorrow, the devastation that eating disorders and other addictions caused can be healed and that someday, somehow everyone touched by them will be alright.

But right now I will do this. I will throw those roses into the abyss and I will thank God that my own personal monster did not swallow me alive and pray that it never will again.

As for Cory Monteith? I pray that he got his answer.



Filed under depression, eating disorder, eating disorders, Hope, quotes, Recovery, survivor, the past

sunday song – The Scientist covered by Glee

Well, I’ll admit it – I’m obsessed with Glee songs again. No shame. They make me happy. So this week Sunday song is of course taken from their wide repertoire (they recently celebrated their 500th song). I also have one more thing to add I maybe, sorta, a lot watch Glee because Darren Criss (Blaine) is pretty much amazing.

This song was sung towards the beginning of the season and several of the Glee characters were having some difficulty in their rocky love lives (effectively breaking up two of the most beloved couples) but forget about that and just listen. It’s pretty beautiful even if you aren’t a Glee fan or just look at Darren Criss. That’s okay too.


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Filed under music, Sunday Songs

monday mood lifters February 18

I’ll admit it. I’m doing these Monday Mood Lifters for me. I need some mood lifting in my life. Here we go…

Monday Mood Lifters1. Giving Back – I’m finally in a position I can give back to people. And I can do this with Ben. My neighbor has special needs. Once a week we get together so he can have “Ben time”.  I also take him to the grocery store and various other places. I love knowing that  I am helping someone. I have been so wrapped up in my own world for so very long that it feels wonderful to step outside of it and into someone else’s.

2. The Violence Against Women Act was renewed – last year the act did not pass because of objections that it protected gay, illegal immigrants and American Indian’s. This year the House got their head on straight and passed the bill so all women who are victims of abuse can receive help and protection.

3. Ben’s Valentine  – Ben gave me a Valentine for Valentine’s day

4. My new baby ‘niece’ – normally I don’t hold babies. But Kinley was cuddly and sturdy enough I broke my rule and I’m glad I did.

5. Take a Seat. Make a Friend? – strangers meet in a ball pit and ask each other’s questions. It brought tears to my eyes.

6. This Picture – In the top picture the man has hair. In the bottom he doesn’t.

7. Agility – I have always loved this dog sport and am excited to get back into it.

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8. The fact that Finn and Rachel and Kurt and Blaine might be getting back together  – yes I’m too invested in a t.v. show.

9. This quote: 

“What if God doesn’t just love you because He’s God and that’s His job? What if the truth is that God actually likes you? Yes, you – right there, looking at this screen – you with the zits and the past and the lust and the blazing self-doubt – you with that weird laugh and the deep hurts and questions – you. What if God just really likes you for exactly who you are? Can you bear it?” – Lee Younger

10. And of course Benny 

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Filed under Ben, dogs, faith, Funny, Monday Mood Lifters, quotes

monday mood lifters – February 4

Here they are….

Monday Mood Lifters

1. I managed to get all of my empty picture frames filled with pictures of Ben. Now they are scattered all over my apartment and I no longer have empty frames staring at me.


2. I have rediscovered the coping skill of coloring and I have a book of stained glass Mandalas I have been coloring. When they are finished they look like this and I hang them in my window.


3. Learning why my favorite artist Kelly Rae Roberts tips some of her angels heads and not others. I love, love, love her things. Here is the link to that article. And here is my pieces of her collection.


4. My new bird from Beth to keep me company at night – Midge.


5. My new budget App (Home Budget Lite) and the fact that for the first time in my life I actually have a budget and I’m following it. It makes me feel much less guilty when I spend money.

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6. The organization Sevenly which each week picks a cause or charity and then sells shirts that benefit that organization. I have bought shirts to help raise money for service dogs, wells in Africa and this week burn victims. Check them out!

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7. The fact that this happened last night. A grown man making a confetti snow angel? Yes. Hilarious.


8. This song covered on Glee. How beautiful and appropriate for the storyline for Marley (she has an eating disorder).

9. This:

10. And of course Benny….


Filed under Ben, coping skills, dogs, Funny, Monday Mood Lifters, music, New Life, quotes, Recovery, survivor, Tumblr

monday mood lifters – January 28 books to ben

So since I didn’t get to my Sunday Song yesterday and it’s Monday I thought I would do some more…

Monday Mood Lifters

1. New books to read – I went to the library yesterday at 4:30 (the library closed at 5:00) and spent around fifteen minutes pulling random books off their YA shelves. I had just finished reading a Debbie Downer memoir and needed some good old YA fiction to cheer me up. I have now finished one book and am half way done with my next.


2. Service dog meetups followed by coffee – Ben and I met up with another service dog team this week. Did a little training and a lot of chatting over coffee. Fun! Fun! Fun!


3. Amazon Wishlists – love this little feature. Ben now has one and I have several different categorized ones. You can put anything on your list from anywhere on the web by using their little app that shows up in the corner of your screen. Check out how to do that here.

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4. Friends you can accidentally insult but who are not offended because they know you too well. Also, same friends who can ask the hard questions.


5. This:


6. This patch that is coming in the mail to put on Ben’s vest:


7. The character Fat Amy from Pitch Perfect – possibly one of the funniest characters ever “I sometimes have a feeling I can do Chrystal Meth and then I think better not”

8. Glee came back (and with a pretty funny episode!)

glee boys

9. Dr. Pepper 10


10. And of course…Benny – my favorite picture of the week



Filed under Ben, coping skills, dogs, family, friends, Hope, life events, Monday Mood Lifters, New Life, quotes, Recovery, survivor

some nights by Glee (and yes they do have an eating disorder storyline)

It’s almost time to start posting Christmas songs! But I’ll leave that for next week once December arrives. This week I’ll share my favorite song Glee has covered this season. I love this song anyways (and I still love the original by FUN more) but this is pretty amazing. Plus can I just say that I love that the male leads are so good this year?

Oh and before someone says this Glee does have an eating disorder storyline. I do NOT like this for several reasons and I will be blogging about it in the future but for today I’m just enjoying their music.


p.s. it also cuts off at the end which drives me crazy!

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Filed under coping skills, music, Sunday Songs

Sunday Song: Dog Days Are Over performed by Glee

Well, first the good news. I am no longer as stuck in my rut. I have done a lot of thinking and a lot of journaling the past week and have dug myself a little out of my hole. I am anxious (both the scared kind of anxious and the good kind of anxious) for therapy tomorrow. I have come to some much needed insights that I think are going to help me move forward. I’m not sure I’ll blog about them but if I do it will be later this week.

So, now onto my Sunday song. I picked the song Dog Days are Over performed by Glee for my Sunday Song. Enjoy. 🙂

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Filed under coping skills, depression, music, Recovery, Sunday Songs

a 24th b-day song

Well, it’s my 24th birthday and in order to celebrate I thought I’d post what is one of my favorite songs and one I will forever associate with my birthday after my time at CFC.

So here is “My Favorite Things” (this time performed by Glee  – although nothing beats Julie Andrews – except friends singing it to you out of love)

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Filed under life events, music, Sunday Songs

Sunday Song post – “Ben”

Ok, so I am going to be completely cheesy here but this week my Sunday Song is Ben performed by Glee but originally performed by Michael Jackson (I think?) . Yeah…like I said cheesy since my dog is named Ben. Oh well, here is the song. 🙂


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Keep Holding On (recovery sisters)

My recovery sisters and I have been holding onto each other tight the past day or so. Even those who did not know the woman who died have been affected. It’s been a reminder how quickly lives can be lost and that we could become one of those women. As a result the girls I have talked to and myself have been reminded that it’s not the time to stop fighting but the exact opposite. We need to fight. We need to hold on. We need to stay strong. We’ll make it through and we will be there for each other.

Keep Holding On by Glee


Filed under eating disorder, eating disorders, faith, friends, Hope, music, Recovery, Sunday Songs