This poem/thing-without-a- proper- name describes some of my past experiences with dissociation.
I’ve lost control of my own body.
My brain has once again betrayed me.
Not in thoughts. They betrayed me there long ago.
But in my movements, my mechanisms of survival.
I am trapped. Trapped in a body that won’t connect.
That skips flight and fight and goes to freeze and fall.
Holding onto banister and walls to walk willing myself to stay upright
But what good is will when the brain can trump all the willpower in the world?
They say – “walk. Don’t fall. You lie.”
I stand and walk.. But then – something happens. Something I do not see and suddenly the floor is rising up to meet me.
I cannot comprehend how my brain has forced my legs to betray me.
And neither can they. Attention seeking they call it. Despair I call it.
Wheelchairs, lectures, the silent treatment.
My brain has once again brought me to this lonely place.
A place I am familiar with. A place I am disliked and despised.
A place where my history has proven I belong.
A place where people hate little girls who have the wrong haircut
Sixteen year olds whose only crime was to play the wrong instrument
And an eighteen year old whose worse offence was to be born female
And now my brain has brought me there again – forcing my legs to slide and slip.
And so I’m back where I belong.
Alone. Hated and disliked for something I did not choose and cannot control.