This year on fightingmywayback I am going to begin something new. I am going to begin telling my life story. In treatment, first at Laureate and then later at The Center for Change, we had to write out our life stories/autobiographies. The thinking behind this was that each person’s story is important and deserves to be heard. And by sharing your life story you can combat shame, have a shared experience with others and learn that you matter. That the good and the bad in your life matter. That bad things that happened were not okay, that you can forgive yourself for things that you did or had happen to you and thus begin your healing. It is a powerful experience to tell your own story and then listen to others tell theirs.
Each time I was in treatment I purposely abbreviated cut short and the things that needed to be told most were left out. More than likely I’m not going to be telling those parts on here either. Maybe some generalities but not specifics This isn’t the forum for that. In the last two years I’ve been able to tell my therapists and best friends those things which has slowly reduced some of my shame. Secrets keep you sick is a mantra that is repeated because of it’s truth. And as I’ve told mine it has opened me up to more healing.
Some of what I will write will be painful. I will keep certain parts of my life out for my own sake and for those I love’s sake (and at times my own protection) but other times I will be more bold. I am not expecting to use numbers to explain my eating disorder. In my experience these are only used to shock and awe others. There is no need to do this. To say I was very ill is enough. I will show a few pictures – most will not be triggering but I will warn if they are. And the same goes for parts of my story. I expect one section could be triggering and I will include that to show the depths one can sink in an eating disorder, the hell that is the sickness and how tormented one can be. And I might password protect these posts. I may give out the password to some or may not give it out to anyone and simply leave it up for me in order to document my own life.
These posts will not happen all at once. They won’t be consecutive. There may be months that go in-between life story posts or there may be simply days. We’ll see how it goes. But it’s time for me to tell my story. And I’m committed to doing that. It’s part of how I am fighting my way back.