i’m in a bit of a funk

Well, my first Christmas ‘really’ home has come and gone. I can honestly say I enjoyed every minute. It was a low key celebration for the most part. On the 23rd my extended family that was able gathered at my grandma’s to open our secret Santa gifts and enjoyed spending time with new baby Kinley (only five days old!!!). Christmas was spent at my apartment with my parents, brother, grandma, grandpa and grandmother from Denver.

Since Christmas I’ve been in a bit of a funk. A bad mood actually. A very bad mood. I think it’s because Christmas has come and gone which means change is happening. Moving has sunk in and while I love my apartment it does mean change and change for me is hard. And also with the new year approaching without the distraction of Christmas and Christmas shopping I will have more time to fill which again means more change.

But I am trying to change my attitude and find things to look forward to. Ben and I are going to once again take obedience class (for fun – Ben is very obedient). I want to look into taking piano lessons again. I took lessons starting in 2nd grade and continued through 8th grade. I played for fun after that and it became a way for me to release emotions that I could not put into words. I am now much better at expressing myself (thanks therapy) but I still enjoy playing piano. Of course I will still have therapy which requires an hour of driving each way twice a week.

I am also going to once again look into a volunteer position. I have tried several things but they have not worked out. This has been a needed but disappointing lesson to learn. I am not yet ready to fully integrate into society. I am not ready to go to a job, school or position that requires me to commit myself to be there 100% of the time. I don’t have the emotional stamnia to do many things and I need flexibility that allows me to monitor where I am at mentally and make decisions based upon that instead of a requirement for attendance. Ben allows me to leave the house and to do day to day tasks such as grocery shopping  living alone and going to therapy but at this point in time I simply cannot  go to school or do something else that requires that level of commitment. Perhaps, my bad mood also comes from this. I am grieving about this revelation. I am not quite as far along in my healing as I would like. And this makes me sad.

Sooo, as I move into the new year my life will continue My healing will continue. And I may add things to my schedule or I may not. But one thing is certain. I am living. I am home. And I spent my first Christmas at home. This is an achievement and something I can be proud of and bad mood or not – life goes on.

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2 Comments

Filed under coping skills, depression, Identity, Independence, Job, life events, New Life, Recovery, survivor

2 responses to “i’m in a bit of a funk

  1. carolyn fota

    Sometimes, life leaves me in a bit of funk,,,,, especially when I realize that the choices I make ,,,,,,, make me. I am left in a bit of bad mood, a little bit restfull, restless, angry, and robbed. But your choices do make you. So start with some goals and build them into your schedule. Sit down with a calendar and write out your current schedule, appointments, commitments ,, etc. Then write at the top of the calendar your goals and then write into the days of the week those activities that you are doing to accomplish those goals. It doesn’t have be perfect or consuming either. Just start with something that you know and you are comfortable with and go from that point on. It doesn’t matter where you start,,, just start. Start small and then build too.

    I had a goal a year ago that I was going to get involved in crafts and I would try this for one-hour a week at least twice a week. I wrote this goal on my calendar and sheduled Fridays and Sundays. I did indeed do this all year long. I’ve tried a number of crafts. Some crafts I am not good at and others I do pretty good at. I am working on a couple of crafts now.

    As far as the funky feeling, get out, get some sun, develop friendships, exercise, eat good meals and snacks, have something to look forward to weekly, keep to a schedule — don’t dwaddle inside all day, read the news paper, see a movie or read a book regularly, attend church, love your pets,,,,, keep at it,,,,, it will work. Love, Carolyn

  2. Pam

    I don’t think I could have put it better than Carolyn.

    You have come so far and I am so very proud of you.

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