Well, my first Christmas ‘really’ home has come and gone. I can honestly say I enjoyed every minute. It was a low key celebration for the most part. On the 23rd my extended family that was able gathered at my grandma’s to open our secret Santa gifts and enjoyed spending time with new baby Kinley (only five days old!!!). Christmas was spent at my apartment with my parents, brother, grandma, grandpa and grandmother from Denver.
Since Christmas I’ve been in a bit of a funk. A bad mood actually. A very bad mood. I think it’s because Christmas has come and gone which means change is happening. Moving has sunk in and while I love my apartment it does mean change and change for me is hard. And also with the new year approaching without the distraction of Christmas and Christmas shopping I will have more time to fill which again means more change.
But I am trying to change my attitude and find things to look forward to. Ben and I are going to once again take obedience class (for fun – Ben is very obedient). I want to look into taking piano lessons again. I took lessons starting in 2nd grade and continued through 8th grade. I played for fun after that and it became a way for me to release emotions that I could not put into words. I am now much better at expressing myself (thanks therapy) but I still enjoy playing piano. Of course I will still have therapy which requires an hour of driving each way twice a week.
I am also going to once again look into a volunteer position. I have tried several things but they have not worked out. This has been a needed but disappointing lesson to learn. I am not yet ready to fully integrate into society. I am not ready to go to a job, school or position that requires me to commit myself to be there 100% of the time. I don’t have the emotional stamnia to do many things and I need flexibility that allows me to monitor where I am at mentally and make decisions based upon that instead of a requirement for attendance. Ben allows me to leave the house and to do day to day tasks such as grocery shopping living alone and going to therapy but at this point in time I simply cannot go to school or do something else that requires that level of commitment. Perhaps, my bad mood also comes from this. I am grieving about this revelation. I am not quite as far along in my healing as I would like. And this makes me sad.
Sooo, as I move into the new year my life will continue My healing will continue. And I may add things to my schedule or I may not. But one thing is certain. I am living. I am home. And I spent my first Christmas at home. This is an achievement and something I can be proud of and bad mood or not – life goes on.