Yesterday Beth asked me what my end goal of therapy is. As is when I’m done. Finished. Forever. Not that particular session or week. No – when I leave her (or some other therapists) doors and never return.
I was completely speechless. I had no idea. Right now so many things seem insurmountable. Albiet, many things that were so huge a year ago are now more manageable and perhaps no longer issues (?). She asked what my goals were for life and how therapy would help me get there. Again, no answer. She asked me specifically if I would like a significant other in my life. Once she reestablished I was not a lesbian (I have no problems with me or anyone else being gay – I’m just not) she asked that if an available man was to ask me out would I say yes and would a relationship be something I would want in my life. I told her I had no idea and I couldn’t even begin to imagine where that man would come from. She suggested church or the Kennel Club which really made me laugh considering church has NO young men anywhere near college age and the Kennel Club is filled with mostly women and the few men who are around are considerable older than me.
Sooo – the subject of being able to function in a romantic relationship is really not a therapeutic goal at the moment (or maybe ever). I just honestly don’t care. So throw that goal off the table.
That leaves a whole wide range of topics for goals that she sent me away to think about. Actually, she didn’t give me any guidance at all or even suggest I think about it. It was just one of those therapy topics that are thrown out there that you know she wants you to consider but she’s not going to say that. Ha! I have your therapeutic tricks down Beth!
So I have managed to come up with a few categories that I think could possibly be end goals of therapy (whenever that end will be).
Here they are….
1) Jobs – I need to be able to function at a full time job and support my self
2) Safety- I need to be able to say that I can and will always be safe
3) I need to stay out of psych hospitals or treatment
4) I need to be 100% symptom free
5) I need to have relationships in my life that will provide emotional support
6) I need to be able to take my medication responsibly
7) I need to have worked significantly through my trauma (no idea what this looks like)
8) eight is not something I want to share
9) I need to be able to function without fear of the world
10) My self-hatred needs to disappear
Okay so that’s what I have for now. Pretty general and broad but it’s a start I suppose. I’ll make them more specific as time goes by. I’m sure each will take many, many sessions and perhaps years to achieve but I suppose it’s important that I at least have some direction of where I’m aiming.