quitting doesn’t mean I’m a quitter

I have been wishing, wanting and waiting to go back to college since I left in August of 2009 (I made it a week into the new semester). During my first treatment stay I really believed that I would be out by January and ready to go back to school. In reality it would be another five months before I would permentantly leave the world of Laureate.

I returned home and immediately enrolled in another university. I was ready to go. Ready to reclaim college and enjoy it. I made it three weeks this time before leaving for The Center for Change. That was the fall of 2010.

And the fall of 2011? I knew this time I couldn’t attend school. My anxiety was out of control, my PTSD symptoms were far from manageable and I knew my recovery was very precarious and could at any moment crumble away. It would never have worked to go back and for the first time I let go of my stubborn determination that I had to go back no matter what and reluctantly stayed at home.

So now it’s the fall of 2012. Ben is with me by my side and my anxiety is under control and my eating disorder while lurking in the corner of my mind is not active. And the PTSD…well that sucks quite honestly. But I’m functioning.

However, last Sunday I made the decision to withdraw from school. It wasn’t a quick or sudden decision. I followed my gut and my heart and knew school is not the place for me. Not because I was doing poorly. No far from that I was doing very well, I was getting good grades on tests and quizes. I was showing up for class. I had written an essay and was managing my time well. And I was balancing recovery. I was nowhere near a relapse.

So why did I quit? Well, for one thing school is a dream that I have been chasing for the last three years. I thought that once I returned to school everything would be normal. And that simply wasn’t true. I also thought I would love school and I didn’t. I hated it. I didn’t care for my classes or the environment I found myself in. I really liked my peers and in time I think I could have built some relationships but something just wasn’t right.

I finally realized that what wasn’t right was me.

I have changed. I’ve grown (mentally and physically…hahaha). And school just didn’t fit. I didn’t like the heady arguments or the analytical parts of my courses. I didn’t like how things weren’t concrete but fluid and changing. I was disappointed that I felt like an outsider looking in.  I didn’t feel like I belonged. I felt too different and removed.

And I am different than when I began college. Then I liked heady classes and didn’t mind ambiguity. Today I have enough ambiguity in my head that to add that to my school life felt like I could never escape from my thoughts. And I need a break from always thinking. I am no longer an eighteen year old beginning a new life or even an adult student looking to find something new to add to their life. I’m none of those things.

I’m simply trying to discover how to live and how to survive without passivly killing myself.

And school doesn’t fit into that. I wish it did but it doesn’t. I hated it and one thing I have learned from the past three years of recovery/eating disorder is that I don’t have to do things that make me miserable. If there is a responsible way out then it’s okay to quit. It doesn’t mean I’m a quitter  – it means that for once in my life I’m giving myself permission to do (or not do as the case may be) what makes me happy and content.

 

 

 

Advertisements

4 Comments

Filed under eating disorder, eating disorders, Identity, Independence, life events, New Life, PTSD, Recovery, trauma

4 responses to “quitting doesn’t mean I’m a quitter

  1. Kate, I think it is wonderful that you made the decision to do what was right for *you*. Now, that is self-respect! I can relate to what you said… There was a time in my life where I finally got to the place that I fought very long and hard to be, and once I was there, I realized that I didn’t like it and it was not where I wanted to be *at* *all*… I was like “Show me the door already”! What is beautiful, Kate, is that you listened to yourself. I can’t wait to hear what life has in store for you.

  2. That is awesome that you’re able to give yourself that permission! Way to take care of yourself! 🙂

  3. Pingback: September 17 – September 23 – “And Our Bond Grows” « With Ben

  4. Mary

    BRAVO!!!! This is one of the most beautifully written posts with a clear line of thought going through it. Wishing you new dreams to replace those that you have experienced and decided are not for you. Love you!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s