Ben has been here a little over a week now. And it’s been emotional. I’ve run the whole gamut of emotions. Panicked and hysterical to elated and laughing. For someone who for so long has stifled emotions by a variety of methods (mostly, ok maybe all, maladapative). And I don’t know if this is what life is. Can things be happy and sad at the same time? Hard but easy? Struggling but ok at the same time? I suppose the answer is yes but to my black and white programmed brain it seems almost incomprehensible. I’ve been here before and faced with the same question and in those time’s I’ve “fixed” it. I’m not doing that now. I’m letting the emotions continue longer than I have ever allowed them to before and it’s exhausting.
Ben is wonderful but also exhausting. I am pushing myself to go out more and do things that I never would do otherwise. That is what he is here for and I want that to be how it is but it is still bringing up a lot of emotions. They are better managed and with Ben’s help I can do these things I couldn’t before but the emotions, fears and anxieties still remain to a lesser much more manageable extent.
This week was also hard as I was faced with some tough decisions regarding Ben and my future. I had several options presented to me and after a lot of tears, doubt and mistrust came to a new agreement and understanding about what the next semester will look like. I learned through a two day period of uncertainty that I am still reluctant to trust people and find it so easy to loose trust in a person. A resuidial effect from my past but for once I’m finding it sad that this exsists. A part of me wants to trusts people and wants it to be okay. I want to be able to let my guard down and relax. I haven’t ever really been sad that I find it so hard to trust people but now I am. It’s so new to want to trust people. I think it means a new level of healing has opened up and although I can’t trust now the fact that I want to signifies a new step forward in my journey.
All of this has happened in time with Ben’s arrival and integration into my life. I don’t think it’s coincidental. I knew he was going to play a role in my recovery and healing but I always thought it would be in that simple way that he helps me to succeed in certain situations. I am beginning to realize that Ben’s role in my journey is going to be so much deeper. It is going to be emotional, spiritual, physical and many other things. He isn’t going to be a simple tool that I can use to get through situations. He is going to be a teacher, a challenge, a trigger for new emotions. In essence he is going to force me to approach things I have been avoiding.
In short he is going to be the healer that Heeling Allies promised he would be. Just in many ways I never would have guessed.