scales suck

Scales suck and you think I would have learned this by now but stepping on a scale is NEVER a good thing for me to do. I was at the doctors yesterday (routine appointment – everything’s great) and they took me to the scale and I hopped on. Now my other doctors (yes, I have more than one) know that if I’m weighed I am to step on backwards and not to know my weight. However, this nurse was new and  before I could properly think things through I stepped up face forward.

As soon as I saw the number blinking on the scale I freaked internally. I’m pretty sure I faked it fairly well as I sat through the rest of my appointment but to be honest I was quite devastated. My mind went immediantly to ‘how can I fix this. this can’t stay this way. what am i going to do”. Luckingly, I had the good sense to text C. who gave me a quick reality check which quite honestly got me through the next few hours without doing anything stupid or acting on behaviors.

The wonderful thing about having people in my life like C. and P. is that they know how I feel. C. reminded me that the number doesn’t matter but she also understood that as easy as it is to say that it is so much harder to believe. We texted throughout the day complaining about weight, body image and the horrible feelings our eating disorders causes us to feel. In now way did we promote or glamorize our eating disorder. In fact the opposite. Here is a snippet of our conversastion:

K: I just saw my weight. fml

C: Nothing about you has changed and changing the number will make things worse.

K: yeah it’s just ew.

C: No, it’s nothing.

later

K: Stupid eating disorder. Seriously, I think I could be considered insane. I’m like a mad woman when my eating disorder kicks ins.

C: We all are.

K: Yup and I’m not going down that stupid path just bc of my weight. I don’t want to be the girl who never recovers.

C: We WERE her for too long.

later

K: I’m fat. It has to get better someday right?

C: Yes.

C: Just believe yes.

K: I have too.

C. We all do. Your life is better now.

K: So is yours and we saw each others old lives so we know.

C: I’m going to happy hour…

K: I’ve never been Take me with you when I come visit?

C: OKAY!

So there you have it a peak into our crazy mixed up minds and how we handled the day together and weathered the storm. Our lives went on. We felt awful. We let each other know we felt awful and we understood each other. We didn’t trigger each other we just emphasized and was there for each other. One reason C. is so special to me is b/c during our time at CFC we learned how to sit with each other and just be. We didn’t need words. We just needed to be together to let the other feel. And neither one of us liked to feel anything so having the other there was comforting. She learned to read my mind and I think I learned to read hers (we got in trouble for that actually. Too many inside jokes and looks. The techs didn’t appreciate it and were pretty sure we were up to no good. Come to think of it, we probably were). C. just understood me and in turn I think I understood her.

I need friends like that. Friends who know how to talk me down but still validate my feelings. Friends who I can be honest about my feelings and in return they are honest with theirs. P. and C. are so important to me b/c we  can do this for each other. So the day was hard. Tears were shed and I honestly I’m still pretty convinced I’m fat. But, I’m pretty much ok. Not 100% but I’m committed to this thing called recovery. And onward I go. I know my weight but as C. said, nothing has changed.

I imagine in the next coming days that will become my mantra.

nothing has changed

nothing has changed

nothing has changed

nothing has changed

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3 Comments

Filed under body image, coping skills, eating disorder, eating disorders, friends, Recovery

3 responses to “scales suck

  1. Thanks for writing this post. I’m glad you are able to stay on track, and it says a lot about you that you are consciously choosing recovery even in the face of urges to the contrary. My victory this week was getting frustrated and throwing my scale down the trash chute. It was therapeutic. Of course, now I’m dealing with the anxiety of not knowing, which in some ways is just as anxiety-provoking as knowing, but I remind myself that I’m freer this way. I don’t want to be captive to a stupid fucking (sorry) number. So I’m going to steal your mantra. The act of getting rid of the scale didn’t change anything. Nothing has changed. Sending lots of love and prayers your way.

  2. Allison

    I am not going to respond to the specifics, cause i think this is one of those things that we are trying to leave out of our friendship (correct me if i am wrong, i am still trying to figure all this out)
    BUT
    I love you, and I hope that we both continue to become the “best version of ourselves” (as my old therapist used to say) so we can hang out at all our favorite places without having to bring Ed along =)
    Can’t wait to see your beautiful face again and meet BEN!!!

  3. Pamela Alida

    ahhh I really wish I saw this sooner. I can’t remember if we talked today… seriously I am so all over the place my days are totally merged into one big day (thank you moving).

    I love you and I hope today was a good day for you. You are beautiful Kate, inside and out and you deserve everything wonderful that this world has to offer. Stupid blinking numbers are not included in that wonderful category. Because you know what Kate? When I think of you the first thing that pops into my head is not a number. That has absolutely NEVER been something that I relate to you. I think of how intelligent and caring and supportive you are. How you are one of my best friends, no sisters, no more than sisters (okay I don’t have a word for it… lets invent one!), and how I can turn to you with anything- whether its super serious and I need advice or a shoulder to cry on or its absolutely hilarious and I need someone to laugh with. You are always there. And even though we have many, many states between us and haven’t been together for over a year and a half, I still feel like we just parted ways yesterday.

    So your eating disorder (or Ed as some would like to call it haha) can shut the hell up. You are Kate. And Kate does change because she weighs X pounds or Y pounds or ABCDEFG pounds. I love Kate because she is Kate. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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