my one year blogiversary

The 21st was my one year blogiversary (aka I’ve had my blog for one year). My first post was called “A Start” and in it I included a vague description of  what I intended my blog to be:

I hope my blog will be filled with encouragement and progress but I am trying not to pass judgement on that fact. I am committing though that this is a recovery blog. I know if I begin to let myself drift into topics of sickness or behaviors I will only end up hurting myself and my recovery. So right now my goal is simply to let this be a place to write my feelings down, share what I have learned and honestly pass the time.

I think that I can say that my blog has been this and perhaps a bit more. I have talked about my recovery but also my struggles (the ones I feel comfortable discussing). I have also talked about the media and how it effects me as a person and the women I know who suffer from eating disorders. My brother also honored me by writting a blog post (my second most viewed post) from his point of view, “It Takes an Ocean not to Break” which encouraged and helped me to continue on in the ensuing posts which turned out to be the most difficult so far in my recovery. His post still makes me cry and extremely greatful and blessed for the support of my brother and other family and friends.

But I have great faith that she will weather this storm, even if it requires the assistance of her family and her friends and takes a while to find the right help. I have faith because my sister is strong. Because, it does take an ocean not to break: an ocean’s worth of persistence. You can’t just drain an ocean in one try, anymore than the horrible, terrifying, times Kate must feel can break her. Kate is a survivor, at the center of a web of relationships of people (her family and friends, my own friends who have never met her but do so much more to help her than I could ever have asked of them) whose great love for her motivate them to take actions at great costs to themselves without hesitation because they love her.

I shared my one year recovery (out of treatment) anniversary with those who read my blog and I wrote my second Letter of Hope (my first was written when I left The Center for Change) with those who follow/read my blog but mostly for myself so I could recognize where I have come from and also how far I have to go.

In the last year I have realized that what I am choosing to call recovery is actually called life. Life is a series of ups and downs (or so says what I have been told) but I never allowed myself to actually experience life so how can I know what life is like? I’ve learned my data on life that I learned for the first twenty years of my life really needs to be updated.

The post with the most traffic on this site has been my post “I Will Not Go Back to that World” written during NEDA week 2012. I intended it to be an informative post on what eating disorder are and what sufferers experience but instead it became an honest post of how my eating disorder still intrigues me and how I never, ever want that pain again.

I want what I had. But then I remind myself that I don’t. I don’t want the despair, I don’t want the hopelessness, I don’t want the weakness, I don’t want my voice to leave, I don’t want relationships torn and fragmented, I don’t want to spend another birthday away, a fourth Christmas in a treatment center, another year and a half isolated from the world. I’m not sure yet what life is going to look like for me now as a person in recovery and someday hopefully recovered but I do know I have to fight. I have to work. I have to come back from that cruel, cruel world in which I once existed.

I’ve blogged a LOT about dogs and shared my decision to receive a service dog through Heeling Allies. I shared the progress my family made as we fundraised and the fact that we miraculously raised all of the money through the support of my hometown, family and friends. And then I had the priveldge to share Ben, my service dog who will arrive July 31st.

I’ve blogged about a lot of other things. Some meaningless to everyone and possibly me (now that several months or a year has gone by) but also some “big” things that still matter a lot to me. I haven’t regretted any of my blogging entries and that is what I wanted most to be able to say. I’ve added other pages (see above) and updated my Gems of Hope page to contain a LOT of quotes. I’ve had a lot of Sunday Song posts and different pictures, quotes and pins of the week. A years worth in fact. 🙂

I don’t know if I’ll be writing a second blogiversary post. I hope so but who knows what a year can bring. But for now I’ll pass this milestone as I have all of the others this year. With friends or with family simply living.

And right now that means  a night of watching crappy t.v. with A. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Advertisements

12 Comments

Filed under eating disorder, eating disorders, family, friends, Identity, Independence, life events, New Life, PTSD, Recovery, survivor, the past, trauma

12 responses to “my one year blogiversary

  1. pscalise

    Yay for one year! I always enjoy reading your blog, Kate. You are such an insightful woman and always have the most amazing things to say. Of course I love our chats as well. I cannot express how lucky I am to have you in my life!

    Oh and I may have tried to convince my mom tonight that we should take our family vacation to kansas this summer (“but mom, we could see the largest ball of twine”). She was not as excited as I was haha. I LOVE YOUUU

    • This Miss Pam. I love our chats as well.
      And coming to Kansas would be the most awesome thing eeevvvvveeeerrrr.

      • pscalise

        So in my twelve hour slumber last night (I know, right!) I had a dream that you came to Connecticut and then we flew to California and went to visit Carrie. I woke up with a huge smile on my face! Best dream everrrr

      • I want to have that dream. So jealous!

  2. A.

    Ok, so after all of the Pretty little liars we have watched, it is a little weird to be called “A”
    lol
    On a much sappier note, I am so proud of all the hard would you have done (and continue to do!) Thanks for sharing it with me =)

    • Hahahaha….I was thinking of that too but I thought it was too funny not to do it.
      And thanks love. I’m glad we are in each other’s lives.

  3. Timothy Givan

    Kate,
    I am so proud of you. As Chris said, you are strong and you are a survivor. Keep up the good (but hard) work.

    Congratulations on your one year blogiversary!

    Poppy

  4. Bek

    So, so proud. I know I’ve only been reading your blog for a short while, but I am loving it. You have so much knowledge and have come so far. So glad you can see it for yourself and recognise it. Xo.

  5. Kate, I am so very proud of you. Proud of the fact that you have a voice now, that you can say things with your eloquent words instead of with your illness. I was in the car today and I thought of the time your mom called while we were driving back from the zoo AND you were eating an apple and how I almost died with the anxiety of thinking we’d get in an accident. And then we got lost and very anxious, and so we blasted Glee oh-so-loudly. #copingmechanisms. But all fun aside, you are an articulate, strong, beautiful, compassionate woman whom I’m lucky to have as a friend. I hope too that we can be more “presence” than memories and that we will have a chance to meet again as women who are living real, full, joyous lives. And I was also thinking about Team Rosie, which seems oh-so-long ago. And how glad I am that that’s a part of our pasts and will remain forever only a memory. Love you sweet girl

  6. Debbie

    Kate, I hate to bother you again. I did not know whether to leave this message on this or the other part we had blogged on so I did both. Just want to say thanks that you will give me some names. I really appreciate it. I have not seen anything yet so I will keep looking. Thanks once again.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s