in the interest of full disclosure…

I like social media and I like social networking. I have a profile on most every social network site available and sometimes more than one. I’m active in several groups or lists and I talk to people who I know both in person and through through networking. I blog (obviously) and do not mind showing the word a peek into my life in various mediums.

This blog is set up to reflect my passions, to provide humor, sometimes to educate and to always, always tell my story. Because when it comes right down to it this blog is for me. Someday I want to look back and see my recovery laid out in the form of entries on this blog. The good and the bad times, the struggles and the triumphs. I censor some things for my privacy, for other’s privacy and simply for the sake of not having my ENTIRE life spread before me in pixels, JPEGs, HTML and whatever else the internet commits to it’s eternal archives.

I do think before I post. I have never once regretted posting anything. This may be hard to believe as I always have spelling and grammer errors but I am not really worried about those things. I think I get my point across. Also, hard to believe may be that I can write without those errors if I have to do so however in this blog I simply let my thoughts pour out.

It seems lately however that some things I have been posting have been monitored and so in the interest of full disclosure I am now going to reveal my entire presence on the web. Feel free to click or research them. They are largely boring and hold no significance at all except for me. They are redundant as most everything is published here. I don’t expect you to follow them (or even click on them) in fact you would be receiving the exact same information so in some ways it would be pointless too. If you stick with me here – you’ll be fine. But if you are worried about what I’m posting by all means go ahead and check out my various social network sites. I have nothing to hide. Here they are: (Warning: I told you I was addicted.)

Fightingmywayback – main blog, found on Wordpress, has been in existence since April of 2011

Kate’s Canine Crew – new blog I made to chronicle my adventures in training my dogs, found on Wordpress, has been in existence since April 2013

They Save Me Everyday – Life with Ben and Shona – tumblr, has been in existence since January 2013

Living Life with Ben and Shona - facebook page that gives a peek into life with Ben (my service dog) and Shona (who is in training), updated with short updates about training and life with them, monthly photo albums and info about service dogs as well as fun pictures and quotes about dogs

Instagram – find me under kate_givan, almost daily pictures of the dogs and other aspects of my life

Vine – fyi – Vine is an app where you can make very, very short videos, – stop motion or continuous motion, just found it but I love it. Find me under Kate Givan (no link because I think it is just a phone app however you can see some videos through my Twitter….)

Twitter – I’m just getting back into using twitter. Find me under @KatherineGivan

Youtube – I rarely upload videos but in the interest of full disclosure….

I also have a private facebook page but I only add people on here who I know so if I don’t know you – I won’t add you. My privacy settings are pretty high so I dont’ consider this a public page thus why I’m not sharing it. Although, I’m not naive enough to expect you not to find it if you really, really wanted to.

Like I said this is all in the interest of full disclosure in case you worry about what I post. Find me if you want especially if you are on Vine (I’m really excited about this new app!) but in no way do I expect you to worry about all of these various places around the internet. I participate in them for my own entertainment and interest. I like knowing what’s new, what’s happening and what’s going on. Plus I think the information could be useful to me one day as I hope to own a business.

One last thing…

Censorship is saying: ‘I’m the one who says the last sentence. Whatever you say, the conclusion is mine.’ But the internet is like a tree that is growing. The people will always have the last word – even if someone has a very weak, quiet voice. Such power will collapse because of a whisper.- Ai Weiwei

 

 

“fitch please” Ellen’s genius take on Abercrombie and Fitch

If you’ve been watching the news you may have heard of the Abercrombie and Fitch scandal  Basically, they will no longer carry women’s clothing above a size 10 because the CEO claims they only want attractive people in their clothes. RIDICULOUS. The best argument I have heard so far has been from Ellen Degeneres.

Here are a few tidbits from her video.

Since when is something over size 10 a plus size?

There is a size 0. 0 is nothing.

Now they have a double 0. What are we aspiring to? Does these jeans make my butt look invisible?

Beauty isn’t between a 0 and a size 8. Beauty isn’t a number at all. It’s not physical.

What you look like on the outside is not what makes you cool at all. What is important is that you are healthy, that is the most important thing. That you are healthy and happy.

And the video – it’s worth a watch. Not only because she’s funny but because she genuinely has some important things to say.

P.S. My list of people I wish to meet now goes like this.

1) President Obama

2) Ellen

3) Darren Criss

Ellen has now surpassed Darren Criss aka Blaine from Glee.

Ben and Shona – lifesavers, service dogs, my future

Ben is my service dog. I need to make that clear before I go much further. I have various mental health issues and Ben is trained to helped mitigate these. And his help is invaluable. I can honestly say he has saved my life.

Since January  however Ben has begun to exhibit some growling behavior. His growling has occurred on several occasions which worries and upsets me. Growling is an unacceptable behavior for a service dog and not one which I desire to have my dog exhibit even if the growl presents no real agression. I have worked with Ben extensively on this and while it has improved I am not willing to continue to work him in environments that may cause him to growl. In addition, Ben began to display a laziness and a relectantness to do the task I ask and he is trained to do to help me mitigate my disability. After long talks with my mentor (who has trained her own service dog and we work very well together brainstorming and learning), parents and others in my life it has been decided that Ben will have less duties. He will not be retired  because Ben will still be working in certain situations  He has very, very strong strengths that it would be a shame to loose and it will be easy for me to avoid his triggers. Unfortunately  this would leave me with a dog that does not perform vital tasks for me that include grounding skills that allow me to function to the best of my ability. Luckingly, I have a dog in my life who is ready to enter this role.

This dog is my dog Shona. Shona is a force to be reconded with. She entered my life at a little less than a year in between my treatment stays. She was what motivated me to continue to fight and to find a reason to live. She had a long puppyhood filled with jumping, hyperness and a generally high activity level. However, she has this very, very strong bond with me and has since day one. Now at almost four years old Shona is showing signs of being a mature dog that six months ago I wasn’t even seeing. She listens, heels, stays, comes and is beginning to perform vital tasks on cue. I have evaluated her with the help of those in my life and Shona is now entering the status of “service dog in training”. She has made several public outings and so far it appears that she may fill in the spots where Benny is lacking. I will continue to very, very closely monitor her progress but right now Shona is on the way to becoming my second service dog.

You may be asking why you donated money for me to receive a dog that is not performing the way he should. But without your support many, many things would not have happened in my life. Let me list these for you.

1) I have stayed out of the hospital for nine months now. This was unheard of before Ben entered my life. He has given me stability in my mental health. That is worth so much more than I could ever express to you.

2) He has shown me where my life is going. He has given me a path and a purpose to follow.

3) He has brought me back to training. He has led me to the Kennel Club where I am developing a community, a place to spend my time and my love for dogs and training.

4) He has made it possible for me to train my own dog. I have learned so much from Ben. He has been my teacher. Someday I plan to train service dogs. Ben is and always will be the best teacher.

5) He has shown me that I desire to go get a certificate in professional dog training. I will be starting that this summer. This is something I have always, always, wanted to do. To know where my life is going and I am going to be doing something that utilizes my passion is absolutely astounding and amazing.

So please, please know that you who donated money truly saved my life. Without the gift of Benny I don’t even know if I would be here. I was dangerously close to ending my life when this dog entered my life. And he is going to continue to stay here. He will be my service dog, he will simply have the help of another dog. And I get the blessing of having two extremely talented and intuitive dogs in my life.

 

Chris graduates and a make up commencement speaker

Sorry for the delay in postings things in my life have been moving along at a faster clip than what I’m used to but what perhaps will be my new normal. This weekend my parents, Ben and I traveled to Fulton MO to see my brother, Chris, graduate from college with a degree in philosophy. I couldn’t be more proud of him. I saw his college, his home, met his friends and watched him walk across the stage and through the columns (a tradition his college has).

Ben did well. He is still in transition but Shona was not ready to attend graduation or go on a road trip quite yet so Ben went. And honestly, this would have been Ben’s strength anyways so even if Shona was fully trained this would have been an area where I would have chosen for him to go.

I’ll go into deeper detail about my own feelings from the experience but I want this post to honor his accomplishment. So here are a few pictures from his day.

And Chris –  to make up for your commencement speaker: 

sunday song – gone, gone, gone

Sunday Song for this week is Gone, Gone, Gone by Philip Philips. I love this song and it’s message.

Enjoy.

 

ugly

Ugly

Who first called me that?

Was it me or was it them?

And when did it sink down into my bones and begin to strip away my flesh

Was it the first time it was uttered on the playground

Or a passing insult at age thirteen

Or none of those at all?

Was it something my mind simply whispered to torture myself in the wee hours of the night

And then drilled into my brain, then my heart, my liver, my kidneys

Trying to kill me and almost succeeding

One word.

So much power.

So much destruction.

So much…

ugliness.

war stories and sick pictures

I had a tube.

I was in the ICU.

I was on dialysis.

My weight was (insert two digit number).

I’ve been in 12 treatment centers.

I’ve been diagnosed as chronic.

My heart can hardly function.

My liver is failing.

I’m dying.

These are all statements I’ve heard from girls gathered in a circle in a corner quietly talking and periodically glancing up to see if the techs/baby sitters are near. No they aren’t stories to share sorrows or to share scary moments of horror. They are war stories. Stories these girls are proud of and they tell proudly each desiring to one-up the other. Each throwing out a lower and lower weight and a more dangerous story filled with medical equipment, EKG’s, ambulance rides, frantic family members and doctors predicting their death. I’ve heard these stories because I’ve been in on the inside of these war stories. I’m ashamed to say it but in fact I’ve tried to win the game.

It’s a sick, sick twisted component of the eating disorder world. Each girl wanting to prove she is/was sicker than the other. After all, we have to prove to ourselves we deserve help. We have to be the most well liked and admired. We have to show our pain somehow and the only way we knew how was to get the sickest we possibly could. And we have to be the best at something and for many that has been their eating disorder never-mind that being the best of all is being dead.

At my first treatment center I quickly learned the art of telling war stories. And that I had one to contribute. But I also learned it marked you. It marked you as non-recovery orientated, an attention seeker and someone who doen’t want to get well. You may have ‘friends’ but these are the girls who will stab you in the back to prove they were sicker. And you waste your time sitting in the corner telling your story. Everyone at that facility is sick. Really it doesn’t matter one bit what your weight was. What matters is that your life was out of control enough to be sitting after a meal waiting for the 45 minutes to be up so you could make your way to bed where you would be checked on every 15 minutes to make sure you weren’t participating in some ‘ilegal behavior’ such as exercise.

My second treatment stay I went in with the promise no war stories. No telling of how sick I had been in the past. No hints as to my lowest weight or my horror of hospital stays. I was going to be silent on all of that. Take me as I am. I was not going to participate in the sick retelling of ‘whose the sickest one here’. And it aided my recovery in ways that I can’t put into words. I made friends because I wasn’t focused on proving my sick status. I left attention seeking behind and was able to learn that being sick isn’t the way to get the attention and help each person is entitled to.

And now that I’m out of treatment? Now that my body is recovered and I look “normal”. Do I feel a need to tell those war stories? Sometimes yes. Sometimes I get an urge to prove I was one of those sickest girls. But do I? No. Where would it get me? I say I was sick. Does it matter how sick? No. All it matters is that I’m on a path to recovery. I have my ‘sick’ pictures. My pictures that show my bones, my pale face and lifeless eyes. They are in a folder on my computer and someday I’ll be brave enough to delate them but I can tell you now that I will never show them to you. Others make the decision to parade their sick pictures around. Some do so out of a genuine desire to remember where they were and to never return. Other girls? Well, I find it hard to believe that they aren’t simply continuing the war stories of treatment.

But I’ve made my decision. I don’t need to share photos to prove to you I was sick. You can take my word for it and really it’s not that important to this blog anyways. What is important is that I’m in recovery.

falling, falling

This poem/thing-without-a- proper- name describes some of my past experiences with dissociation.

Falling. Falling.

I’ve lost control of my own body.

My brain has once again betrayed me.

Not in thoughts. They betrayed me there long ago.

But in my movements, my mechanisms of survival.

I am trapped. Trapped in a body that won’t connect.

That skips flight and fight and goes to freeze and fall.

Holding onto banister and walls to walk willing myself to stay upright

But what good is will when the brain can trump all the willpower in the world?

They say – “walk. Don’t fall. You lie.”

I stand and walk.. But then – something happens. Something I do not see and suddenly the floor is rising up to meet me.

I cannot comprehend how my brain has forced my legs to betray me.

And neither can they. Attention seeking they call it. Despair I call it.

Wheelchairs, lectures, the silent treatment.

My brain has once again brought me to this lonely place.

A place I am familiar with. A place I am disliked and despised.

A place where my history has proven I belong.

A place where people hate little girls who have the wrong haircut

Sixteen year olds whose only crime was to play the wrong instrument

And an eighteen year old whose worse offence was to be born female

And now my brain has brought me there again – forcing my legs to slide and slip.

And so I’m back where I belong.

Alone. Hated and disliked for something I did not choose and cannot control.

monday mood lifters – there is good in the midst of tragedy – Boston Marathon

 

 

 

I had a whole post planned today but then the terrible events at the Boston Marathon occurred  Today’s Monday Mood Lifter’s are dedicated to finding good in the midst of tragedy and the love humans can show.

1) 

 

2) Google is offering this service for those who need to find loved ones is Boston

3) Remember this:

“There is some good in this world, and it’s worth fighting for.” – J.R.R. Tolkien

4. 

5. Imagine a world without hate (this makes me sad but it is appropriate for today) It won’t embed but I encourage you to click on the link.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KyvlMJefR4

6.

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’”
― Fred Rogers

7. Children – children are mood lifters. Look at them and remember there is innocence is this world.

8. The fact that our country can come together even in the midst of such political divide. As Obama said -

“On a day like today, there are no Republicans or Democrats, we’re all Americans.”

9. Hope – Please remember hope.

10. And finally this quote which means so much to me. I hope that it can comfort you in some way like it has often brought comfort to me.

I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding onto something. – J.R.R. Tolkien (The Two Towers)

 

I hope you find hope tonight. I hope you find something to hold onto. I hope you turn to your loved ones and hug them tight. I hope you pray to your God or cry out to who you believe in. I hope you remember that evil exists in the world but it has not taken over as easy as it is to believe. I hope you choose hope.

Love,

Kate

sunday song – The Scientist covered by Glee

Well, I’ll admit it – I’m obsessed with Glee songs again. No shame. They make me happy. So this week Sunday song is of course taken from their wide repertoire (they recently celebrated their 500th song). I also have one more thing to add I maybe, sorta, a lot watch Glee because Darren Criss (Blaine) is pretty much amazing.

This song was sung towards the beginning of the season and several of the Glee characters were having some difficulty in their rocky love lives (effectively breaking up two of the most beloved couples) but forget about that and just listen. It’s pretty beautiful even if you aren’t a Glee fan or just look at Darren Criss. That’s okay too.